The only thing in life that is certain is death and change.
I don’t have much of a say in either of these things. The sooner I embrace them, the better off I’ll be.
I’ve come to a place that if I want to thrive, I have to embrace change. My life is going to constantly change and confuse me. Sometimes I’m really good at seeing the positives in these changes. For example, with infertility, I can use this thing that is unpleasant to help others feel less alone. People are going to hurt me along the way. Relationships will change. But I try to remind myself that I will learn something from everyone’s path I cross, be it good or bad. When a relationship ends, there may be sorrow or there could be peace about it. But either way, change happened. The best thing I can do, is choose to embrace change and find the positives that come out of it. In a perfect world, I’d feel that way everyday. But that isn’t always the case. A lot of the time, it is a painful road. But that’s when people have the opportunity to show up in your life.
I had a person I was friends with several years ago. I enjoyed her company very much. I like to think she did mine as well. We had several things in common and conversation was never dull. Months later, she created a Facebook page. She began leaving comments on my pictures that didn’t come across as very kind. Most of the time I shrugged it off and left something simple back. But then one day she made some comment about the size of an ice cream cone a friend and I had. It was derogatory. I had had enough so I snapped back. She unfriended me, blocked me, and I never heard from her again. I think I still have a key to her house.
There was loss there. I was sad that someone would walk away from a relationship for something so silly. Even more so, I was surprised that someone would be harsh with me knowing what I was going through. It seemed so disrespectful. But she gave me the example of someone I do not want to be. I don’t want to give up on people for one little tiny thing. I will fight for my relationships till the very end, till I have nothing left to give. At that time, if I’m getting nothing back, I can’t continue to go on with that relationship.
Another example of this is my friend Nicole and I. After she got married, she kind of dropped off the face of the earth. It seemed like she didn’t need me anymore and that hurt. We had a falling out and didn’t speak to one another for about a year. We still worked with each other at Zehnder’s and saw each other often. Talk about awkward. Then one day, our supervisor put us in a dining room together that only requires two servers, her and I. I had missed her very much but never had the right opportunity to approach her. All I had known is that I wasn’t done with that I had to say. I finally approached her and I told her that I had some stuff I needed to say, whether we decided to work on our friendship or end it once and for all.
We met for lunch the next day. I said what I needed to and so did she. We then were able to move forward and things are better than they were before. We were able to build off of that bad experience. It built more trust and love between us than a healthy friendship ever could have.
Relationships that have an infertile person involved can become very complicated. Certain people cannot relate to me and therefore they say the wrong things. They hurt me often. They don’t do enough to care for me. But where your world is falling apart, no one can really do anything right. But it’s nice when they try. Infertility adds another layer to friendships. Friends who become moms cannot always relate to the infertility side and can easily leave the infertile behind. Unfortunately, many friendships don’t survive when one is able to carry a child and the other is not. There is so much unintentional hurt. Sometimes it is too much to bare. Both parties have to be able to speak kindly and honestly to one another about how they feel. Otherwise, I feel as though you cheat one another.
When there is tension in a relationship, I want to talk about it now, say what we need to and move on so we can rebuild. But, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes, I have to wait. Sometimes, I have to embrace the time of change and take what I can from it that is good.