It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart. Ecclesiastes 7:2
The Bible seems clear that we should be quick to mourn with others.
In my experience, this is not always the case. Take Facebook for example. When I post something regarding infertility, it isn’t always something that makes people feel good. But if someone announces a pregnancy, there are hundreds of likes and comments on that post.
Why is it so much easier for people to support those who are rejoicing? Are you taking the road that is easier to travel? The one that will hurt you less? The one that makes your life easier and less painful?
We all are going to die. We all are probably going to know someone who dies. What if we supported people in sadness as we do with people who are rejoicing? I know rejoicing is safer and more comfortable to do. It’s way more fun! Most people would prefer a wedding over a funeral. It’s much more enjoyable. But what if we supported people regardless of the circumstances? No matter what it is, no one feels forgotten.
I have seen many of my friends and family support families in mourning. It could be something as simple as extending a kind word on Facebook or sharing that family’s story. Is it easier to mourn with those who have suffered a physical loss? In our case, it’s more emotional at this point. We are mourning the loss of having a child without doctors and medication helping us. We are mourning the dream that we may never be called mommy or daddy by someone I grow in my belly. There is loss every month for us. Would it be easier for people to mourn with us if they had something they could physically see that we have lost? For us, each month that passes, a dream dies. How can people mourn that with you month after month? When is enough enough?
I feel like this is a difficult situation for people to mourn with us and support us. No one knows what to say or do. Many times, I feel as though I am very clear, but people still do not deliver. Many times, I set my expectations too high. That’s my own fault. I do my best to not have expectations but it’s difficult for me so I’m often let down.
Several months ago, I had had a rough Friday. It took all my energy to push through the day. I had felt forgotten, uncared for, and unloved by so many people in my life. I felt no one had time to be sad with me because they were too busy living their happy lives. Then I got a text message from my friend Heather to let her in. She was at my house with flowers and lemon muffins. She made me feel so loved and cared for! She acknowledged my sadness while celebrating me. That is a such a special thing she did and it means so much to me.
This may sound really odd. But I’ve always thought it would be fun if someone threw Joe and I an infertility party. To celebrate what we have overcome and what we are mourning. Like, “You guys are kicking ass! Here’s some cake!”. It would be another way for people to show us they care about us and they are celebrating but also mourning with us. We throw parties for everything that is exciting and fun! We even celebrate and mourn people’s death. This feels similar to a funeral to me but no one sees it that way. I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t shy away from the sad stuff. I run to it. I want to support people there because I’ve been there and I’ve been alone. I don’t want someone else to feel that way.
Here are some practical and I think, easy ways to support us:
–Share this blog. You probably have family and friends who are going through infertility treatments and struggling to have children whether you are aware or not. When people can read someone else’s words and know they are not alone, it’s priceless.
-Pray for us. We appreciate your prayers for continued peace as we navigate treatment over the next few months and next steps.
-Communicate with us. Let us know we are loved. Those of you that have reached out to Joe and I regarding my blog and our story have meant so much to us. We love hearing how our life is helping you with yours. Thank you for communicating that to us. Every like, share, comment, text, phone call, snap chat, tweet, and face to face encouragement we receive does NOT go unappreciated. It fuels us and means more to us than I could ever say. Thank you. We love each of you so much.
For more ways to help, check out one of my previous blogs:
I hate that I have to ask to feel supported but I understand that for many, this is brand new territory. You may not know what to do or say to help us. But I believe we can always do better and we can try harder. For us all to succeed, one must be willing to speak and the other willing to listen and act. You may not need someone’s support today. But one day you will. You have an opportunity everyday to build into someone’s life. One day, they might have an opportunity to repay you.
My hope is, that through this blog, Joe and I feel more supported, you are better equipped to help others walking the path of infertility, and I am able to help at least one infertile person feel less alone on their journey.