It’s Not All Fun and Games

*Graphic content ahead*

It sucks that we have to be sensitive to so many people’s feelings. It’d be great if we never hurt anyone by what we did or said. Hearing news of pregnancy hurts. Hearing jokes about pregnancy hurts. I’m guilty of joking about it! Facebook’s “On This Day” feature reminded me that 5 years ago today I convinced my parents I was pregnant. Little did I know what the future would hold.

My friend Nicole explained to me how she thinks pregnancy announcements affect me.

“To me, it seems more like your dream dies every time someone else gets theirs. Then you have to deal with the internal conflict of also wanting to be happy for the person you care about. As time goes on, it doesn’t go away. You still feel loss and sadness. But you learn how to live again and you start to focus on the good stuff instead of the loss.”

That is a great explanation. People are celebrating a new little life and I feel like something died.

On August 1st, 2015, our friends informed us they were expecting.

2 days later on August 3rd, my journal entry went as follows:

“I found out Saturday that she is pregnant. I can’t believe I’m writing the words. I’m shocked. I didn’t know they had started trying. I feel so many emotions. I thought it’d be easier with someone close but it hurts more than I imagined. I feel like hiding away. I will miss out on so much because of all the sadness. All of these wonderful things I could be apart of and want to be, but the sadness is too great. I’m going to miss out on so much. Things are going to change. I’m scared of how things will change. I’m scared that I will be left out. I’m left out now. I’m not pregnant. I feel sad and alone. It seems like taking the easy way out would be nice. It would hurt so many people if I died. These past few days, I don’t feel like living. I’m so sad. I feel so lost and alone. I can’t wait to see how God uses this for my good.”

I had come up with so many ways to kill myself because I hurt so badly. I just wanted the pain and sadness of infertility to go away. The pain was so deep, dark, and constant that I thought I would never be able to escape it. I did find other ways to hurt myself. I love to pick my skin. I would pick scabs over and over and over to the point where they hurt so much but I got so much satisfaction from making myself bleed and peeling off a scab, that I wouldn’t stop.

One evening I was so overly anxious and angry, I picked my skin and then I dug my nails as deep as I could to make myself bleed as much as possible. I yelled, screamed, cursed, and scratched myself till my nails were filled with blood. Joe found me, cleaned me up, and took care of me.

I was so severely depressed. I still struggle with depression and anxiety but I’m doing better. Medication, counseling, and a great support system has helped me a lot. Surrounding myself with women who have gone through or are going through times like me, helps A LOT.

I was also reminded of people in my life who were hurt by suicide. Knowing the pain and anguish they had gone through, helped me push through those dark times.

I’m grateful for the support of many during that time. They reminded me often that things would not be this way forever. People are so important.

If you mess up, apologize.

Be kind, always.