When it comes to infertility, I think some isolation is healthy. You become so exposed to so many painful things. Sometimes it is good to give yourself a break and stay where you feel safe. I quickly found that many social situations and activities became too much to bear.
My Chuch Small Group-Over the past year, the dynamic of our group has changed. Over half the group participants are parents. Joe and I don’t always feel like we fit in there and being there can be a painful reminder of what we don’t have. We don’t always feel as though we can add value to some of the discussions.
Baby Showers-This should be pretty obvious. The last shower I went to hurt so much. People don’t know what else to talk about but babies! This is a great place to avoid. It is too painful at certain points during the journey.
Holidays-Right after my niece and nephew were born, we decided to stay home on Christmas. Being around brand new babies is hard. People are excited. I feel as though sometimes I take away from other’s joy by being sad. In situations like this, there are hurt feelings everywhere. Joe and I are hurting from where we are. Our family is hurting because we cannot spend time with them. We have to do what is best and healthiest for our family.
On the other hand, isolation can be a dangerous place to be. I’ve encouraged my friends and family to keep in contact with me when I do need space. Group situations can be very difficult but I still crave one on one contact. Being alone too long can also have terrible consequences.
Lies-When I isolated myself, I started to believe the lies. I didn’t have anyone to combat the bad feelings I was having. My mind had convinced me that I wasn’t good enough anymore.
Loneliness-I became so lonely. I wanted so badly to reach out to people but I would convince myself they were busy with their own lives and didn’t have time for me. I would keep falling deeper and deeper into loneliness. I wanted people to reach out to me to show me they cared.
Depression-I became extremely depressed. Being isolated while depressed seemed so much safer. No one could say anything to hurt me if I was alone. Nobody but me.
Hey, sad eyes
Hey, you who needs some sunshine
All you gotta do is open up the blinds ”
Run to Jesus – Francesca Battistelli
I love that. Usually picking ourselves up takes one tiny step. But when you are hurting, the smallest of steps can seem like a mountain to climb. Sometimes we need the help of those around us. Sometimes I need you to INSIST on being a part of my day. I don’t always see my own value. I need you to remind me.
I hate feeling dependent on other people. But I do depend on them. I need help getting through this life. I can’t do it alone. I don’t want you to do it alone. I want to cut the bullshit and do what we need to do to take care of one another. Ask me how I am and if you think I’m lying, call me on it. I’ll do the same for you. I don’t like feeling like crap and I can’t stand it if people I love feel that way. But we have to communicate and care for each other. Neither of us are mind readers. Can’t we just be freaking honest with each other? With most people in my life, I do not feel supported like I need. Many people are making amazing strides and it is so appreciated! I’m working on how I view support. I know people support me in different ways that I don’t always see. I’m working on doing a better job of noticing that as well.
No matter what your struggle is, you are not alone. It’s okay if you want to be alone sometimes, but don’t stay there forever.