I may be being a tad bit dramatic. But does infertility feel that way sometimes? Uhhhhh, duh.
I’ve decided that my hormones hate me. I can’t control them and I hate that. I can have a perfectly good day but then my hormones decide to make me feel like a crazy person.
Feeling sad for no reason.
Crying for no reason.
Being angry for no reason.
Sometimes there’s a reason. Other times there isn’t.
Right now I’m terrified of the future. At this moment I’m taking Femara to assist with ovulation. Next week we will go in for an ultrasound and if I have a mature egg then we will be going in for an insemination shortly there after. If it doesn’t work, terrifying. If it does work, terrifying. Either scenario has a new set of emotions to navigate. I cannot begin to imagine to say the words “I’m pregnant” and have it be true. After fours years, how am I supposed to say those words? It has seemed so out of reach for so long. If I do become pregnant, I leave my infertility family behind. That terrifies me. I want to be there for them too. But being pregnant would not be super helpful. Then I become the infertile pregnant girl. Will I feel guilty? Will I struggle with sadness? Will I worry? I like to try and predict how I’m going to feel. My therapist yells at me for it at every session.
If I become pregnant, I then become the one that inflicts pain on other infertiles. I will then be inflicting pain on people I don’t even know are struggling. Am I hurting them on purpose? No. Does that make me feel less guilty? No. I worry that I won’t find the joy in pregnancy that I thought I would have had years ago. That makes me sad. I want to enjoy that time but I know that it will hurt people too.
I’m trying to find a balance of being joyful and allowing myself to mourn. Some days I think I’m getting better. Other days, not so much. But I try to remind myself to take life one day at a time. Looking at the big picture can be so overwhelming but looking at the next step seems a little easier.
I worry about Mother’s Day. I worry about how I’ll feel. I worry about how I’ll react. I worry I’ll feel forgotten. But already I’m grateful for friends who are already showing me they care and the day isn’t even here yet. I appreciate that so much.
It’s such a tender time. My heart is fragile. I know many cannot begin to understand and that makes supporting Joe and I difficult. I hate wondering if people will support us. I’ve honestly lost a lot of faith in people in this journey because I’ve been let down a lot. I see how other people along this road have been supported and wonder “Why not me? Why can’t someone do that for me?”. My love language is acts of service so when someone does something for me, it means A LOT. Then there are moments that people make me feel so loved and make up for a lot of hurt. Why don’t the good events seem to happen as much as the bad? Are we looking for the bad moments and missing the good ones? I try to remember that people are usually doing the best they can. That helps sometimes. But it is frustrating to be clear about what you need and not feel like you are being heard. Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming what I need and people are listening and watching but then they turn around and walk away. I know that isn’t probably what is happening but it does feel that way now and then.
I’ve found too that sometimes doing what is best for you hurts other people. It is so difficult to do what is best for you when it isn’t what’s best for someone else. I care about people so much! It’s hard for me to move forward sometimes on doing what’s best for me knowing I will hurt someone. Am I consciously making a choice to hurt someone else? I don’t believe so. But it’s a difficult balance, that’s for sure.
Mother’s Day can be painful for many reasons. It’s okay to take care of YOU first. Those who truly love and care for you will understand.
Much love to those of you hurting, this Sunday and always.