Yesterday was the best Mother’s Day I’ve had since I was diagnosed with infertility. I received flowers, cards, texts, Facebook messages and so much love from so many. Many of which I never expected! It was a day full of love and I was reminded by so many that I was loved and not forgotten. There wasn’t one tear shed. NOT ONE. That isn’t how I expected my day to go but I’m grateful for it. Thank you.
Now today, the heaviness is back. Yesterday was so busy and exciting that I really didn’t have time to dwell in sadness. Now today, things have slowed down and reality has set back in.
I’m so anxious, excited, and nervous for tomorrow. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow! Partially to have the unknowns known. But also at the possibilities of the “What Ifs”. What if there is an egg? What if this time is the time? What if I become a mom? What if there isn’t anything? What if this is the end?
Part of me hopes for no egg because I hate change. Having a baby is a huge and terrifying change. Part of me hopes for an egg and the hope it brings. I’ve learned this is my mind’s way of preparing me for either outcome. But man, it sure is confusing. It’s hard to know what you really want when you really don’t have control over it. I do my best to be open to all options.
Tomorrow there is possibility. Possibility of the next exciting step. Possibility of devastating news. Possibility of traveling to new, uncharted procedures we’ve never done before. Possibility of being thrown back to a deep, dark place. Possibility of sharing exciting news with people who love us. Possibility of sharing hurtful news with people who will still loves us.
I’m so nervous I could cry. The day is dragging. I want to find out NOW. But I’ll wait. Because I have to. I don’t have a choice. Tomorrow we will take another step forward on this journey and see where it leads us. Isn’t that what life is all about? Taking one more step, pushing through onto the next thing, when you can’t believe you took the step before this one?
“In the process, in the waiting. You’re making melodies over me.” -Bethel