During these last few months of reflecting and blogging, I have come to this question:
Have I hurt you?
I have been very conscious to think about what I need and communicating that to people I love. I’m sure that over the past several years, there are many that I have hurt. I would say that every issue or hurt that has happened was unintentional. It feels strange to apologize for something that I have no control over. Something that I didn’t ask for. Something that hurts me so much. But…
If my infertility has affected you negatively, I’m sorry. Please know that it was never my intention to hurt or disrespect anyone while navigating this space. I am sure I’ve done and said things while trying to protect myself that hurt YOU.
There have been several situations that have happened over the past four years that I am aware of where I hurt people. There have been many discussions with these individuals and I have as much peace as I think I can have about those situations. The outcomes haven’t been ideal but such is life.
I’ve had people that have been upset with me over many different things and many of the issues relate back to infertility. It’s so hard for me to comprehend. That someone would be upset or angry with me for taking care of myself or doing what is best for me. The stress infertility brings is often compared to the stress that cancer patients experience. I’ve never had cancer but I can’t imagine making someone feel guilty for having cancer. But people have made me feel guilty for being infertile. It’s hard to understand. But I know a lot of the issues that have come up, have come from much frustration on both sides.
To those of you who are fertile or who haven’t experienced infertility, I acknowledge that being my friend isn’t easy. I’m sorry that this is hard for you to navigate. Much of the reason that I pull away when people are pregnant is because it hurts me so much to be around you but I also don’t want to take away from what is supposed to be a wonderful time for you.
I’m sorry if I took away from your pregnancy. It wasn’t my intention for you to feel guilty about your blessing. It wasn’t my intention for you to hurt because I hurt.
I’m sorry I couldn’t celebrate with you how you would have liked. It’s hard for me to celebrate something with you that is a painful reminder of what I don’t have. I’m sure that hurt you too. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry if I couldn’t find the courage or words to congratulate you. A little part of me may have been happy for you but my sadness over shadowed it.
I’m sorry for withdrawing, hiding, and becoming anti-social. It seems so much easier and safer.
I’m sorry that my bitterness has overshadowed silly things like liking your posts about your baby on Facebook.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t attend your shower or if I did, I took away from your day by not being full of joy.
I’m sorry I couldn’t come to the hospital when you gave birth or if I did, I couldn’t hold your brand new baby.
I’m sorry that I missed holidays. Holidays tend to be extra difficult and I’m sure me not being there was hurtful to you as well.
I’m sorry if I miss out on birthday parties for your baby.
Sometimes I’m sorry that you’re my friend. Maybe our lives would have been better without this pain I’ve brought into your life.
I’m sorry I couldn’t love, support, and be there for you the way I wanted to.