If things had gone the way I thought they were going to, I’d have a three and a half year old now. These last few years have not gone how I thought they would. These last few years have changed me. I like to think I love deeper and am more compassionate than ever before.
I wish when I was younger, instead of people saying “If you have sex, you will get pregnant!” they said, “If you have sex, you may get pregnant but it’s also possible you won’t and one day when you try to become pregnant, it may not be easy.”
Would I have listened to those people? Probably not. Why aren’t we warned about infertility? I wish someone would have told me.
If you have little ones in your life, don’t expect them to grow up and have babies of their own. You have no idea what kind of journey they will go on. They do not need the pressure from people they love to have children. When I hear parents say “One day when you’re a mommy/daddy…” I cringe because I know what the other side looks like. Maybe when kids are little it’s fine to idealize life. They don’t know any different. But when your kids are old enough to have children, don’t pressure them. You may not know what they’re dealing with.
I remember my parents telling us to take our time and have kids when we were ready. I remember my mother in law asking when we were going to have babies. I remember saying “If you keep asking, never!” Little did I know what the future would hold.
At this point, we are at a crossroads. Do we say we’ve tried and let this dream go or take the IVF road? We have been discussing IVF and we are undecided if IVF is right for us. Tomorrow I can take a pregnancy test to see if our 10th round of medication helped us conceive. I don’t think I’m pregnant. I don’t think I ever will be and it hurts. I want to know what it’s like to grow a baby in my belly. I see my friends with babies and can’t believe that they got to grow something inside of them. That may be something I never get to do. I may never be a mom. Joe may never be a dad. We may never get to make anyone a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or cousin.
I’ve learned to never say never. But right now we have decided to either try IVF or live child free. This is a heavy, life altering decision. I don’t think I can convey the weight that this decision carries.
If we live child free, I’ll have more time to invest in my husband and friendships. I’ll have more time to do what I love and what I want. I’ll be able to travel with Joe. I’ll have freedom that parents my age do not have. I’ll have different opportunities than if I was a mom.
I don’t know what the future is going to look like. But I hope it’s filled with love, acceptance, and support for whatever we decide to do.