Tears Speak

“Who will be next?” is a question I often ask myself. I always wonder who the next pregnant friend or family member in my life will be. Sunday I found out and it caught me by surprise.

One of my very dear friends Face-timed me to let me know she is pregnant. We’ve been friends for about 14 years. She has NEVER wanted children. This came as a surprise to her as well. As she let me know the news, she had tears in her eyes. She said she feels as though she has betrayed me because she always wanted to be there for me by being the friend without kids. I could tell her heart was truly breaking for me.

Tears have always meant a lot to me. Maybe because I cry easily. But when someone cries tears of joy or sadness, it really resonates with me. Her tears spoke of heartbreak, fear, and most importantly, love.

This announcement didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Maybe I’ve grown over the past year. Maybe living states away from one another makes a difference. Maybe discussing being childfree made it easier for me to hear. Maybe I’m still in shock because I never thought I’d hear her say she’s pregnant! Or maybe her care for me overshadowed everything. The amount of care and compassion she showed towards me was overwhelming. It meant a lot to know how much I mean to her. I know she’s also scared because this was a shock to her too! This is a change in her life she wasn’t expecting.

But a question we both have is why is she pregnant and I’m not? She told me that she just cannot understand why. This isn’t something she wanted and she got it and I want it and can’t get it.

During the whole conversation, she was so honest and loving about it all and didn’t hide any emotion from me. It was refreshing. Each of these experiences is different. I like to think I’m getting better at it! I know being my friend isn’t easy.

In a previous post, I acknowledge that it may be hard to be my friend. Check it out here.

I also now have an opportunity to use my own advice from this post.

Infertility is hard on everyone. I’m reminded once again that if we are caring and loving toward each other through this really hard stuff, we will be okay. My friend thought when she called that I may hang up on her. Instead, I cried with her. We both hurt for different reasons. But we chose to help each other through the hurt by being open, honest, and forthcoming about how we feel. She’s made it very clear how important I am to her and when I speak, she hears me. She respects what I have to say and I hope I’m doing the same for her.

I know not everyone cries as easily as I do. I cry over everything. But tears mean a lot to me. I feel as though many people hold back their tears to remain strong. But I think showing emotion is a sign of strength and vulnerability.

I took this picture back in February. I take random pictures in the event I need them for something. I like to capture emotion. I wrestled with using this photo with this post. But this is raw emotion. This is what infertility looks like a lot.

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There are many things in this life that we will never understand. Today I’m grateful for the people in my life who love me, pray for me, walk with me, hurt with me, and cry with me. Because tears are apart of our journey too.

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