My Baby Has No Name

I’ve never conceived that I know of. So I’ve never miscarried that I know of. But there have been times that I’ve been so desperate to call myself “mom”, that I wish I would have.

I’m sure that it sounds terrible and for those of you that have babies in Heaven, I’m so sorry. The hurt you feel runs deep I’m sure.

If I had miscarried before, would we have more hope that I would one day conceive and carry a baby to term? It’s something Joe and I have talked about. As much as it would hurt to lose that baby, I want to know what it’s like to be pregnant, even for a short time. I may be really off here because I’ve never experienced that kind of loss. But the pain I feel is heavy too and it makes me wonder what it would be like to be a mom, even if only for a short while.

At this point, I can’t imagine a greater hurt than what I’ve experienced already. I think that’s how most experiences go. We can’t imagine it hurting more until it does. The amount of pain a human can endure is amazing. As a race, humans are put through so much. Seeing other humans persevere is encouraging.

Sometimes I think my heart is too big. It holds too much love. It hurts too much for myself and others. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t this way. Sometimes I wish I could shut off the caring, loving, and compassionate side of me because it opens me up to be hurt, a lot.

I have a big heart for people and little ones. I feel I have a bigger heart for animals. Maybe because I’ve experienced the love from having my own animals and I haven’t had my own human baby. But I love animals so much. It pains me when people hurt them. They can’t speak up. They are so helpless. I wonder if my purpose in this life is to love animals. I’ll always love people but people have hurt me and will continue to do so. Animals are amazing.

I read an article today that a mom talked about how she never knew her capacity to love until she had her baby. I understand all you moms out there love your babies so much. But when women put giving birth on a pedestal, they are creating a hurtful competition. Those women make me believe that I’m not complete, whole, good enough, or loving to my full potential until I’m a mom. You are making me believe I’m not good enough because I can’t get pregnant. I don’t believe that’s your intention. I’ve also experienced things that many never will. I’m also grateful for that. These things have molded me and shaped me into someone that I sometimes don’t recognize. Sometimes I love who I see and sometimes I don’t. I believe I can love Jesus and my family just as much as you love the life you gave birth to. But it’s hard for me keep that mind set when I’m constantly being told I’m wrong. I’ve had people tell me when I have a baby, Duke will take a back seat, babies are more important than animals, and I won’t care as much about my animals when I have a baby.

We all love differently and that’s okay.

You all may be right. But right now, you’re wrong. I may never even have a chance to decide for myself. Stop telling me how I will feel. Stop telling people you love how they should feel or how they will feel.  STOP IT.

I was recently watching “You Before Me” and the lead actress was dancing on the beach. She was so full of joy. I cried. I remember when that’s who I used to be. I used to love life everyday. I used to be so happy. I still am happy but not everyday and that makes me sad. I’m trying to find the new me. I’m trying to find what my life will look like again.

Being a mom, whether through miscarriage, adoption, or by giving birth isn’t going to heal me. It isn’t going to heal you. That’s up to us to do. We can do it. It isn’t fun. It isn’t pretty. It’s ugly. But we have to do it. I have to do it for me. You have to do it for you. But we can do it together. You are not alone in this.

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2 thoughts on “My Baby Has No Name

  1. You do have a HUGE heart Maderlin!! Enough LOVE to spread to anyone who crosses your path. You WILL BE an awesome mother! Keep the faith!! God sees & hears you! He hasn’t forgotten about you! I’m praying for you! Tawana

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