I Hate Who I’ve Become

I will never be the same. Grief changes you.

Grief is defined as deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.

There has been no physical death. But there is deep sorrow. Month after month after month.

I’m slowly finding who I am. Who fits and who doesn’t. What works and what doesn’t.

I often tell myself that I wish I could go back to the old Lindsay. The one who was extroverted, not depressed, less anxious, creepy happy all the time, unknowingly infertile, and blissfully unaware.

But life changed me. I can’t go back to who I used to be because she doesn’t exist anymore. There are parts of me that still exist but parts of me have changed. There’s a new me now. I have to remind myself that that’s okay. I don’t think we’re meant to go through life being the same person we were 10 years ago. The pain I’ve experienced has brought on parts of me I didn’t know I had. I love deeper, have more compassion, feel more intensely, and am more understanding.

I’m grateful for all of those things. I think it’s important to remember through any traumatic event, that good does come from it. It sometimes takes years to see. But it’s there.

Over the next few weeks, so much is going to happen. At the end of all of it, I’ll be pregnant or I won’t. I will be pregnant for a short time. That’s almost a guarantee. I can’t believe that will be my reality soon. I’ll be pregnant! Hopefully, the little babies stick around.

Again, everything is tentative based on my period. Doctor is hoping it starts today or tomorrow. With that being said, bed rest is scheduled after the implantation on October 8th and 9th. After the implantation is “The Two Week Wait”. I will continue to have blood work done to make sure my levels are increasing as they should. If they do not, I will stop the medication that is needed with pregnancy. After two weeks, a pregnancy test will take place.

Being so open about this journey has been so helpful. I’m so glad I’ve shared our story. Delivering news after the implantation may be difficult. I’m sure I will continue to blog and keep you all up to date. But in the event I go silent, consider “no news is bad news”. Then once I’m able, I can deliver details if there is bad news.

I’m not sure when the appropriate time to tell good news is! Everyone will basically know the day of conception so you can do that math too! But, we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Thank you for continuing to love and support us.


2 thoughts on “I Hate Who I’ve Become

  1. Love how you are loving others by being transparent and openly sharing your journey. Until recently, a formal support group was the only way for this to happen. Now, With this platform, you will never know how many people you ministered to as you navigate this path. What an amazing attitude of service. Praying you both through to the other side!! ❤💜💙💚


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