At Least It Isn’t…

At least it isn’t cancer.

At least you aren’t dying.

At least you’re young.

At least you can adopt.

At least you can get pregnant.

At least you can try for another baby.

At least it’s not a major procedure.

“At least” statements are not helpful.

When someone starts a sentence with “at least”, I tune them out. It immediately takes away from what I’m going through. They are telling me that what I’m going through could be worse and their statement tells me my pain shouldn’t hurt as much as it does.

Most of the time, these statements come from a good place. But they aren’t helpful. They hurt. More than anything, it comes across as though you do not care about what I’m going through. Instead, try saying “I’m so sorry this is happening”.

If someone has opened up to you and has let you know they are struggling to conceive, they must trust you. Therefore, ask questions. Ask them what they need from you. Ask them what responses make them feel most loved.

Whatever your feelings are, those that love you will respect that those are your feelings. If they try to tell you that you are wrong for feeling a certain way, they are wrong. No one can tell you how to feel. Only you know that. I’ve even had people take my feelings and turn them around on me to make me feel guilty. That is not okay either. Good friends respect your words and do not try to condemn you for doing what is best for you. That has happened to me and I’m not okay with it.

“Anyone who tells you that you shouldn’t feel angry, or any other way you feel, probably had the luxury of not having to go through this.” -@howtobuyababy

My friend Nicole has been awesome about anticipating her reactions. She will ask me what I need from her depending on how a situation goes. Not only does her planning ahead show me she cares so much but she also wants to handle each scenario with what I need. She doesn’t come in trying to fix it. She comes into the situation respectfully, loving, and following through with what I asked and most importantly, with what she said she would do.

For those of us in this place, it’s a tender spot to be in. We need people who can love us no matter what and follow through on what they say they’ll do. I’ve learned that not everyone can do that. Not everyone can walk this road with me. A friend of mine said that “some folks don’t know how to watch other hurts”. I believe that to be true. What is confusing for me is people that were there to watch me hurt and then one day were gone.

Eventually it feels as though you aren’t wanted or needed anymore. That makes it a lot easier to walk away once you recognize that.

 

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