Bloody Hell

Last Wednesday I started bleeding. There was a lot of blood. My first reaction was shock. It was most definitely unexpected. Second, I was scared. You never want to see blood when you’re pregnant. But it didn’t take long for me to feel at peace. I knew that it could mean anything and there wasn’t a reason to worry yet.

Then Friday came. Heartbroken. Devastated. Defeated.

This hurts like hell. It’s not fair. We’ve tried so hard.

I’ll be glad when my injection sites stop hurting, itching, and reminding me of how hard we worked to just lose everything. But I’d start them again in a second to be pregnant again.

Yesterday should have been our first ultrasound. But not this time. Instead I started my period. Yet another reminder of what isn’t growing in my body anymore.

June 25th would have been our due date. That’s my niece and nephew’s birthday. I can’t make this stuff up. It’s one thing after another poking fun at us like it’s some huge joke.

I feel like such an idiot for investing so much time and money only to end up here. I’m grateful for the 19 days I was pregnant. I assume the 19th day is when I miscarried. I passed two large clots, that in my mind, were my babies. On the 21st day our fears were confirmed.

This situation leaves me with so many questions? Why did this happen? What went wrong? Could we have done anything differently to change the outcome? Will we ever hold a baby of our very own in our arms?

Questions I’ll never have the answers to.

Our babies came into this world. Just not the way we wanted them to.

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11 thoughts on “Bloody Hell

  1. Joe and Lindsay, my heart broke the moment I heard. You continue to be in our daily prayers for peace and strength. I pray you feel wrapped in love as words may simply sound empty at this fragile time.

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  2. Honey…no words. Know I pray for you nearly ever day. And while it sounds cheap and empty…God is still there. No answers…just love.

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  3. Hi Lindsay. I’ve been following your story with links posted by your sister, Ashley. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m grateful for the outpouring of love and support that surrounds you. Good luck on your journey, whatever you decide next. I’ll want to hear all about it. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. Hey, it’s Stacy. I’ve been following your blog, but haven’t said anything. I’m really sorry to hear about what you and Joe are going through. I can’t say that I understand how you feel exactly, because I’m not in your shoes, however I do feel the sadness. You two are great and deserve to be happy. Continue being the strong person you are. If you need anything or just wanna talk and bitch and cry, let me know. 💗

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  5. What I think: You know that I have walked the same road, Sister. And even though we all wear our own unique shoes, it’s important to remember that others have been there, too, and understand the wretched pain of this journey. What I know: you are strong!!You are uniquely made and knitted together to withstand the harsh conditions of your circumstances. You are already ministering to others by being transparent and sharing your story. It is horrific and devastating, but your pain is NOT wasted! !! Find peace in that and take refuge in the Lord. Love, love,love you guys💔💔💔💔

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