The Heavy and The Slow

We met with the doctor yesterday to discuss next steps.

He assumes we lost our babies because of something wrong with their first ten chromosomes. This is a little worrisome because there’s always the possibility that Joe and I aren’t compatible together or that we have some gene that we are both carrying that would result in unhealthy babies.

I’ll be going back in for surgery next week or the following. He wants to physically check my uterus to make sure it’s in the best shape possible and clean up anything that’s needed. Last time I had polyps and a septum removed so the likelihood is low that there is anything but he wants to be certain which we appreciate.

To help with implantation this time around, I’ll be adding a Lupron shot which will shut down my ovaries since we don’t need their involvement. I’ll also be on steroids, blood thinners, and baby aspirin.

Then we are looking at December for our next transfer. I’ll have dates and cost Friday.

Who knew it would be so damn hard to get pregnant. I’ve never been so exhausted in all my life. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of wanting this so badly. I’m ready to be done.

We will give these next few weeks all we have. Then one way or another, this chapter will be closed. We will be moving toward parenthood or living childfree. It has been a long 4 years and 9 months. Never did I think it would take this long to be here, with nothing. We’ve never worked so hard to come out the end empty-handed. We have lost some and gained much along this road, but at the end, our arms are empty.

My heart has never ached so much. This is the most difficult thing we’ve ever gone through. But it has made us stronger. Those that have stood here, are standing here, or will be standing here, you are brave and strong. This is the fight of your life and I’m here fighting right alongside you.


I’m not complaining but I know what it’s like
To have your worries chase you through the night

See these nights are full of gold
But I’m so alone
And these days have so much grown
But it’s all so cold

But I’m here so bruise me life
Confuse me life
Bring on the rain
I’ll do this all again
Wear me thin, so I might begin
To gain a sense of what’s important

-Andy Grammer, The Heavy and The Slow


4 thoughts on “The Heavy and The Slow

  1. Tragically beautiful and full of blessed mourning, sweet, sweet girl. Praying that you find hope in the most unexpected places, and regardless of the road ahead, you will remember your are greatly loved.


  2. Hi Lindsay,
    I’m not sure if you know me or remember me from school but someone told me about your blog and I had to check it out. I was diagnosed also with PCOS about a year and a half ago. I’ve been receiving fertility treatment for over a year now. I hadn’t had any success until last month when I had an iui with injectables. We were over the moon when we found out I was pregnant. After 2 years of trying I didn’t think it would ever happen. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. Last Tuesday would of been my first ultrasound. I knew I was going to misscarry about a week after we found out I was expecting because of my betas dropping. I’m so sorry your going through all this and know how challenging and hard it is. We were suppose to start our first IVF in December but I had a freak out moment and opted for another iui. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this but I really appreciated reading your blog. Prayers for a successful and viable pregnancy next month. Stay strong.


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