Many times when I walk outside into the cold winter air, I breathe in deeply. I breathe in deep so the cold air can burn my throat and lungs. Sometimes I think physical pain is easier to handle than emotional pain. So for a few moments, I have something else to focus on. Sometimes I think I do it to punish myself. I feel broken. I deserve to be hurting. So I add to it. Sometimes I think it wakes me up. I have to check to make sure I’m still living. That I can still feel. I have to make sure I haven’t gone numb.
On this journey, it’s been easy for me to fall into a place of guilt. It’s easy to feel guilty for what’s happening to us. The nurse had told us that my blood may have gotten too thick too fast. When you become pregnant, your blood thickens. But if it gets too thick too fast, it can cut off nutrients to the babies. Which may be what had happened to me. There’s several possibilities and that’s one of them. We’ll never know for sure. This time around, the blood thinners will help with this if it was an issue.
Along with thick blood, my skin has gotten thicker. Not physically 😉 But emotionally my skin has been forced to thicken. Being open and honest about this journey has opened me up to more criticism. I’ve had to work through it. I’ve also had to accept a lot of things I have no control over. I’ve had to make hard choices that hurt. But I have to do what’s best for me. This year, I’ve learned that you have to take care of yourself. I can’t be so worried about what other people need or think. So for this season of my life, I’ve pulled away. People have hurt me like I’ve never been hurt before, so I created distance. Several of these individuals probably didn’t do anything intentionally to hurt me. I believe they didn’t. But many times the wrong thing is said one too many times or certain people just aren’t what you need right now. I’ve had to learn it’s okay to walk. It hurts. It’s one of the deepest pains I’ve felt, but it has to happen sometimes.
I can’t encourage those of you enough who are in a difficult spot. A sad spot. A lonely spot. A grief filled spot. Do what YOU need to. I know it’s hard. But people who love you WILL understand.
Today was my surgery. The doctor wanted to physically check my uterus again to make sure everything looked good. He did remove another small septum and “a very large, actually huge” polyp. Otherwise, he said everything looks beautiful now! When I was coming out of anesthesia, I laughed and laughed. The nurses later told me they were having a party with me. The staff is phenominal. I can’t say that enough.
16 days till our transfer. I can’t believe it!