I Need A Light In The Dark

I’m struggling.

I’m in a place where I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m terrified.

This could be it. I may never be a mom the way I dreamt. I may never grow a baby inside of me. And ya know what? It sucks. It really freakin’ sucks.

I don’t know if another round is possible. Financially, emotionally, or physically. I don’t know if I can take it. My body feels used up. But even worse, I feel broken. My body is broken. It has betrayed me.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be processing all of this. I want to be left alone yet I don’t want to feel alone. It’s a weird place to be in because nothing is right. Nothing in my world is right or okay. Everyone else continues on and here I am, shattered and broken. And just when I start to rebuild for the 878th time, someone or something comes and kicks the pieces over.

We will meet with our doctor this coming Monday to discuss the previous round and possible next steps. There is a little bit of hope because we have a next step. But what happens when the next steps are gone? The fear of being done is overwhelming and unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.

Two of my fellow infertile friends gave me a care package yesterday. That made me feel loved and thought of.

Several friends and family members continue to check on me and ask me what I need.

My parents continue to love and support me.

Joe put on a sweet song a few days ago and hugged me tight. He knew I had been holding a lot in so he gave me a safe place to let it out.

I’m so grateful for these people and so many more.

This journey feels like it is very close to ending. I don’t feel ready to mourn all the loss.

But I may not have a choice.

 

It’s hard when the fire keeps crawling up your sleeves
And it’s harder than you ever thought that it could ever be
And a light in the dark is all you wanna see

Fences – Andy Grammer

8 thoughts on “I Need A Light In The Dark”

  1. This is exactly how I have felt. I am in the count down to my 30th birthday and I am dreading it. I know what I wanted my “life/family” to look like but none of those dreams came to be. I stopped treatments a few months ago because I couldn’t hold on to the hope and possibility anymore when it ended in the same way every month.

    Infertility is such a struggle in every way possible. I am so glad you have shared your story. Reading the things you have gone through puts all of my thought into words that others can understand and has made me be a little more open about the struggles I have.

    Always praying for you. 💗

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  3. Thank you, sweet sister of suffering, for sharing your journey. I would have given anything to walk this road WITH someone, ANYONE who understood. Folks can love you, and love on you, but KNOWING what the pain feels like is different. 25 years ago, nobody was talking. We were all walking around in the dark. So proud of the way that you have chosen to BE the light so many others need in their darkness. Not that you need anybody’s permission, but it really is ok to be done. I had to make that decision , too. You will know when you have had enough. There are a million ways for God to finish this story. Praying for a way that brings you comfort, peace, and joy. Love u❤💜💙💛

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  4. I’m so sorry for you. I see so much of myself in your words, and it has been so long since I felt like I could relate to anybody at all. Thank you for sharing, it brings me hope in a desolate place.

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