There are days when I wake up
That I don’t know what I’m doing here
I barely recognize the pair of eyes staring back at me in the mirror
How do we end up like this?
Living lives that we don’t care about?
Ben Rector- Beautiful
I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately. I don’t feel like I’m contributing to society. I’m just existing and I don’t like it. When I’m in a good place, I know that isn’t true. I’m contributing and I do have purpose here. But I think it’s easy to feel like we don’t have purpose. We all tend to have the same routine everyday. We spend all day doing the things that need to be done. We have less and less time to stop and enjoy life. We have less time to invest in people. We have less time to do the things we love.
We couldn’t have been placed on this earth to just live and die. I feel like I go to work and have a few great moments here and there. But I’m ultimately working my way towards death. At the end, I want to say I lived a fulfilled life. That isn’t the case right now because I’m lost. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I thought I was going to be a mom by now. So that kind of changed the game when it didn’t happen.
We did receive our genetic test results. They came back normal which is really good. But that doesn’t give us any answers. So again, I feel stuck. I’m ready to break out of this cycle. I don’t like this place of repeating what I do everyday. But how do you break the cycle when you still need to go work and get the everyday crap done? Now we also have to decide what the next step is. I hate having to make these hard decisions.