Living Just To Die

There are days when I wake up
That I don’t know what I’m doing here
I barely recognize the pair of eyes staring back at me in the mirror

How do we end up like this?
Living lives that we don’t care about?

Ben Rector- Beautiful

I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately. I don’t feel like I’m contributing to society. I’m just existing and I don’t like it. When I’m in a good place, I know that isn’t true. I’m contributing and I do have purpose here. But I think it’s easy to feel like we don’t have purpose. We all tend to have the same routine everyday. We spend all day doing the things that need to be done. We have less and less time to stop and enjoy life. We have less time to invest in people. We have less time to do the things we love.

We couldn’t have been placed on this earth to just live and die. I feel like I go to work and have a few great moments here and there. But I’m ultimately working my way towards death. At the end, I want to say I lived a fulfilled life. That isn’t the case right now because I’m lost. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I thought I was going to be a mom by now. So that kind of changed the game when it didn’t happen.

We did receive our genetic test results. They came back normal which is really good. But that doesn’t give us any answers. So again, I feel stuck. I’m ready to break out of this cycle. I don’t like this place of repeating what I do everyday. But how do you break the cycle when you still need to go work and get the everyday crap done? Now we also have to decide what the next step is. I hate having to make these hard decisions.

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9 thoughts on “Living Just To Die

  1. Living is hard. Dreams die hard.My heart breaks for you both in this season of wandering. When you don’t know where you are going, it’s impossible to set a path. Instead of trying to figure out your next destination, try to find peace where you are. IT’S PAINFUL AND EXCRUCIATING AND CRUSHING…..but peace will come. And while you are waiting, God will make a way to reveal the next step. This waiting game will not be your whole story. You are here to do great things for the kingdom. You WILL have joy, and laughter, and PURPOSE. Love you beyond measure, my friend.

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  2. This is exactly where I am right now. In the last few days, I really realised that childless is going to be my reality. It’s almost impossible to come to that realisation, but in some ways it’s freeing. I can focus on the what next. Six years of trying to have a family, one dead son due to negligence, and infertility caused by complications related to his birth have left me desperate to have a child. But I’m pretty sure I have decided that I can live childless. And I can spend my time now figuring out what that life looks like. I know I get nothing from my job or any of my other regular activities. All of my close friends are mothers. And so I’m looking forward to focusing on me and figuring out how to live a life of contentment. I’m scared to death, I’m so sad a lot of the time, but for the first time in a long time, I have hope.

    Thanks for sharing. I just discovered your blog today and look forward to exploring it further.

    Liked by 1 person

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