Five years ago this journey towards parenthood began. We were anxious and excited about what the future held for us. I remember my first ultrasound and seeing my polycystic ovaries. I knew then that this wasn’t going to be an easy journey.
10 rounds of medication. No pregnancy.
2 inseminations. No pregnancy.
Hundreds of shots of medications.
One round of IVF, pregnancy, ended in miscarriage of twins.
One round of IVF. No pregnancy.
Thousands of tears.
We have decided to live child free.
We are tired of trying. I’m sick of taking medicine to try to have a baby. I’m sick of medicine that makes me sick. I’m sick of being stabbed with needles everyday. I’m sick of getting my hopes up each time to only have them destroyed. I’m sick of not living my life. I’m sick of focusing on having a baby. I’m sick of feeling guilty. I’m sick of infertility holding me back.
I know my life will be great without kids. I’ll get lots of sleep. Date night can happen without a babysitter. I can go grocery shopping without someone crying. I can make plans around what I want to do and not someone else. We can spend our time doing what we want to, when we want to. I’ll have more time for my friends and family. I’ll have more time for my husband.
Some of you can understand to some degree the pain that comes along with not being able to have a child. Others of you have no idea. I wish you could understand this struggle a little bit better. But you’ll never know unless you go through this. But it’s hands down the hardest, most painful, heart wrenching, gut twisting, cry-till-you-throw-up, heartbreaking thing I’ve ever been through. Not having control over what should be a very simple thing, can make a person go crazy. It seems as though everyone else is able to do what my body can’t do and it’s painful.
Choosing child free doesn’t mean the pain goes away. I think it will always hurt when a friend or family member is pregnant. Each milestone that other people reach with their children will sting. But we are finally able to have some control over this. We get to make a choice and choose the path we take next. There will be different hurdles and heartache ahead but not to the gravity that the last 5 years have been. I have a lot of peace about this choice. Again, not that it isn’t painful. There is pain and peace. But I’m excited to see what is in store for us next.
For now, I need to be blinded by hope that I won’t just survive, but thrive in the future.