I knew the day would come again that made me feel like my world was crashing down around me.
It was February 11th, a Saturday. Joe and I had hung out, watched tv, and drank coffee. We had been discussing our next steps in our baby making journey for the last week and finally had time to sit down to talk. We both were very much on the same page and after some additional discussion, we came to the conclusion that we would live child free. We both felt confident in this choice and although not the outcome we had hoped for, we were excited for the future.
Later that afternoon I had plans with my best friend. We were spending the day together and getting lunch. When she arrived at my house, I was in my car ready to go. She got into my car with a gift for me. I figured it was something to encourage me or she had something else to tell me. I opened the letter inside. It was almost a full page. I scrolled to the bottom and saw “Baby Coming September 2017”. I instantly started crying.
This had to be a bad dream. There’s no way that we just decided to stop pursuing a baby and my best friend is pregnant. I instantly thought we made the wrong choice. We had to keep trying for a baby. How else is our relationship supposed to stay intact if she’s a mom and I’m not? I’m going to lose her forever. Things will change. She’s going to forget about me unless I’m a mom too. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind right out of me.
Lots of tears fell. We went to lunch. The afternoon was a blur. All I remember is holding back tears and trying to pretend like things would be okay when inside I was falling apart. My insides hurt. My mind was a mess. My eyes were wet.
When it was time to part ways, I waved goodbye as she pulled out of my driveway. I remember telling Duke that in just a minute we could go in and cry. I walked into the garage and shut the door. I broke down again. I sobbed. I didn’t even make it into the house. I sat on the steps in the garage and cried. I knew there was a possibility this day would come but you can’t imagine how devastating it is until it happens. My heart felt like it had broken into a million pieces and that it wouldn’t ever be able to be put back together again.
Days passed, the pain lessened, and my mind cleared a bit. I knew we had made the right choice for us before emotion overtook me. I was in a good state of mind when the choice to be childfree was made and the decision needed to stand.
Her and I have been there for each other through everything. Then infertility came along and I can’t be there for her like I want to because it’s painful. It doesn’t seem fair. I’m doing the best I can to still be her best friend but I feel as though I’m falling short. The pain continues to hold me back. The hurt inside is so deep that sometimes it feels as though I barely have the strength to breathe. The jealously is real. I want what she has. I want to experience this with her and I can’t. It feels as though she’s moving away and I’m never going to see her again.
There’s something to be said about relationships that have withstood the test of time. We have been through a lot together, some really hard stuff. This will be no different. It will be hard. We are learning each day how to support each other through this.
Mark my words, I will have my best friend at the end of this. I will not allow infertility to steal another friend from me. I know she won’t allow it either.
That gives me hope.