Stay In The Fire

Batman finally admitted that he pushes people away because he’s scared to lose anyone again.

I recently saw the new The Lego Batman Movie with my friend Amanda. I can always count on Amanda for a good laugh. She has a way of making me laugh at the tough stuff while whole heartedly supporting me.  She is so funny and I love spending time with her and seeing goofy movies. This movie did not disappoint. It was hilarious. But it also had a lot of really deep stuff in it too. One being that Batman pushes people away to avoid being hurt again by losing them.

I’m guilty of that. When there is a situation that is uncomfortable, I tend to push people away. I still support the person from afar but being in close proximity can be hard. Usually these people are pregnant so it’s hard for me to be around them. I feel so many emotions when they’re near. Usually ones I don’t want to feel like extreme sadness, jealously, and rage. It hurts. It’s hard for me but I also want to be kind to my friends and not see them hurt because of me so I pull away so no one gets hurt. But that isn’t always the case. No matter what, it still hurts.

It’s such a fine line, finding a way to protect yourself and not completely closing yourself off from people. Losing people has hurt me. But I’m trying to not let that stop me.

Sometimes it feels good to be in control of the hard situations. If I’m the one that makes the choice to pull away, it somehow hurts less. If the other party chooses to pull away, it hurts more. I think that’s why I tend to pull away from pregnant friends. No matter what, there will be hurt. I’m hurting because I’m left out, can’t relate, and my friend has what I worked so hard for. She’s hurt because I can’t celebrate this exciting time with her. I always convince myself that my pregnant friends will hate me eventually because I’m hard to love.

I also get the feeling that many people want me to get back to the way I was. The person I was before grief grabbed a hold of me. She’s never coming back. Infertility has changed me and I’ll never be who I used to be. I’m going to get better but it will be different than before. You can’t go through something traumatic like this and come out the other side unchanged. So when people don’t accept that this is who I am now, I pull away. They just make me feel like I’m disappointing them and making them sad. No one wants to do that to people so it feels easier to pull away instead of pushing through issue after issue that causes hurt.

I love this article by Buzzfeed. My friend Amanda is the one who sent it to me! It’s all about the helpful ways to support a friend going through a tough time. I’d like to highlight a few points from the article.

Don’t assume you know how someone feels. We all go through loss differently, and relationships are complicated. For some people, a major breakup or divorce is totally devastating. For others, it’s a reason to throw a party. Empathy gives you insight into some of the emotions your friend might be having, but saying “I know how you feel” can sound dismissive of their unique experience. So instead of saying: “I totally know how you feel,” try asking, “How’s it going for you?”

Don’t ever assume that you know how someone feels. Many scenarios are similar but we all handle them differently. Just because you know someone in a similar situation and how they felt does not mean you know how I feel. Do not compare my hurt to someone else’s to make my hurt seem not as bad.

Remember that no one dies from being asked “How are you?”

It’s always a good idea to ask someone how they are. No matter what. It shows you care and that you’re thinking of the person. Sometimes the answer won’t be what you want to hear. It may make you sad. But it won’t be that way forever. Sometimes, there are good days too.

<Say> I have faith in you. Even if you understand their fears, if you have faith in their ability to manage their situation, tell them. Instead of asking, “How are you going to pay for your apartment?” try “I trust your judgment, and I know you’ll figure out the right thing to do for you.”

Being questioned on choices that I’ve made isn’t helpful. What I want to hear is that I’ll be supported no matter what. Even if you think I made the wrong choice.

In the end, Batman came around and realized he needs people in his life that love him. We all do. We can’t do this life alone. I’m really glad that I don’t have to.

I say we stay in the fire and hope we can burn our way out
The road to my heart gets hot as hell

Andy Grammer – Pushing


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