When I read this quote, it was a huge ah ha moment.
Church has always been a safe place for me. I’ve felt loved and cared for there. But infertility changed that. It’s made it a difficult place to be. I always thought Christians should love better than non-Christians. But I’ve been let down by some. That’s not to say that there are Christians that haven’t loved me amazingly. They have. But unfortunately, the bad here outweighs the good. Being hurt by a few outweighs the love of many.
I would say that over the past several years, I’ve been hurt the most I have ever been in my entire life. I don’t think these individuals intended to hurt me. I think they were wrapped up in their own lives and along the way of them doing what they needed to, they broke my heart. It’s one thing to be hurt by people due to them not supporting me but I find it’s been even more hurtful to see those I loved support others whole heartedly. It hurts to see these people interact and care for other people because it makes me feel forgotten.
I know that supporting Joe and I is hard. Infertility is tough. There are some who have nailed it and others that have missed the mark. Life experiences have shaped some people to support us. I’m grateful for that. I can acknowledge that supporting
us me is hard to do and it often feels like a lose lose situation. There never seems to be a good option.
I’ve always been pretty transparent with my feelings and there are a handful of people who have literally held me while I sobbed. I’ve opened up a crazy amount to a few. I admitted what I needed and trusted them to support me. But not everyone has been able to do that long-term and for a while I tried to force it. I wanted those people that were once there for me to still be there for me. But forcing something doesn’t make it true.
I think opening myself up is easy. It’s being let down that hurts. Then that makes it harder to open up next time. So even though I admitted what I needed, those needs weren’t always met and it hurt. So now I’m learning I have to find those people who can meet those needs. I’ve found that some people are able to support you for a season and then for one reason or another their ability to support you can change.
There is one woman who attended our church that I’m friends with on Facebook. She seems like the most supportive person on the planet. She’s got a friend who went through and is still processing some really tough stuff. I see the way she supports her friend while she now lives states away and I’m so jealous. The way she lifts her friend up and makes sure she knows she’s cared for is beautiful. I’m trying to focus on the people who can meet my needs and I can meet theirs. Friends are so important to me and I give them my all and I need the same in return. Over the past year I’ve been blessed with ladies that truly understand my hurt and are available to care for me like I need. It has been such a blessing! But it’s hard to admit that not every relationship is forever. I don’t go into relationships expecting them to fizzle. So when they do, it kills me. But I’m learning to do what’s best for me.
Labeling yourself a Christian doesn’t make you a good person just as labeling yourself as a non-Christian doesn’t make you a bad person. Jesus loved people like no other. If you’re a Christian, that’s what you should do. I will say, the majority of people who love and support me the most don’t go to church regularly. Their first priority is to love and take care of the people in their life and it’s apparent in their actions. Jesus isn’t a building but going to church can be a wonderful and uplifting thing and is usually necessary for spiritual growth. But for us, a change of scenery may be in order. I’m not going to lie, I’m lost. I don’t know where I belong anymore. I have moments of extreme joy and overwhelming sadness. I’m relearning what life is for me and what I want it to be going forward.
Joe and I are trying to keep our focus on the people who show us they love us. There are so many of you! I wish I could let go of the people who hurt me and move forward but I have trouble with that. I’m not trying to focus on the negative but unfortunately that’s what on the fore front.
Do I want to leave the church that I’ve attended for 28 years? One that I have deep roots and wonderful relationships in? The one I was married at? No.
Have we discussed it? Yes.
There is hurt in my heart because I love these people still. Love will prevail. But not always the way we think it will or the way we want it to. I’m working on forgiveness. It will come because I have been forgiven. But I don’t know if the trust will ever be restored.
Those of you that love, lift us up, and attempt to meet our needs, thank you. I am flawed and yet you love me anyway.