I’m Suicidal

It continues to happen time and time again. Each time I’m still surprised.

Sharing the hard, painful, heart wrenching stuff continues to pay off.

Doing scary stuff is hard. Sharing my blog I Want To Leave The Church and Follow Up: I Want To Leave The Church last week was so scary. I felt like I was posting my first blog all over again. I was so nervous about what people would think and say. The positive response was overwhelming and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner!

It is so hard to be vulnerable. It is so hard to do stuff that is uncomfortable. I can tell you, the more you do it, the easier it gets. At times, the fear creeps back in and it’s hard to be so vulnerable. In my experience though, it pays off. Being honest is so important but there is a difference between being honest and mean. Being honest and kind is the key. If you can be honest with someone and still love them while doing it, you’re doing it right. I tell everyone close to me, you can talk to me about anything as long as you are kind in your delivery.

When people share with you the stuff in their life that hurts, they aren’t looking to you to tell them all the things they should be grateful for. Having wonderful things in life doesn’t take away the pain of the things you so desperately want. It also doesn’t mean that just because you want something else that you aren’t grateful for what you already have.

People tell me all the time:

  • You’ve got a great husband.
  • You own your own home.
  • You have animals that love you.
  • You have wonderful friends and family.
  • You have so much good in your life.

So…because I have all those things, that should outweigh the pain in my life? NO. I am grateful for all of those things but it doesn’t make my pain any less.

When I think about killing myself, I don’t think “Lindsay, you and Joe own this home. Don’t die!”. I think about how sad I am and how much I hurt and I want that hurt to go away. I remind myself I won’t always hurt like I do in that moment. But in that moment it’s hard to see anything else besides pain. I don’t think about dying everyday but some days the pain is so magnified it’s all I think about. My fears become huge and I start to think that the only way to make them go away is to leave this earth.

I struggle with depression. I struggle with anxiety. I struggle to conceive. I struggle with being suicidal.

I share these things not for your pity. If you pity me, you’ve never been here. But I share this for those of you that have been here. I want you to know you aren’t alone. I want to know I’m not alone.

Messages for anyone considering suicide from people who’ve been there


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