June 25th

It wouldn’t have been today. But it doesn’t matter. Today still holds significance.

Today was our due date from our first IVF cycle.

I know I wouldn’t have had my babies today. It probably would have been many weeks ago. But that doesn’t change what today was supposed to be.  My heart is broken today. It’s broken and empty. I wonder if it’s beating. I’ve been on top of the world recently and today feels like a ton of bricks has hit me.

This isn’t fair. I’ll never understand why it has to be this way. I’ll never understand why others get to have healthy and happy pregnancies and my babies had to die. I’ll never understand why any baby has to die. It isn’t right. No matter their age, why must it be this way? I’ll never understand why so many are there for the good times and far less are there for the hard times. So many questions I’ll never have the answers to.

This burning, aching, pit is always present. But today it consumes me. I’ll forever carry love, pain, grief, and wonder for my babies.

Babies, I wish you were here. I’d love to see what you look like and to hold your tiny hands. I’ve been a lot happier lately. But today I’ll allow myself to grieve what was supposed to be.

 

This is a happy end ’cause you don’t understand
Everything you have done, why is everything so wrong?
This is a happy end, come and give me your hand
I’ll take you far away

Yael Naim – New Soul

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2 thoughts on “June 25th

  1. Prayers for you Lindsay! It’s tough and my heart goes out to you…I have no wisdom to share or words to say just know you are loved! God is always there even though your feelings and thoughts can’t take it in…know He is there. I have had those same feelings and thoughts and if I choose to dwell on sadness God is there with me….If if choose to be filled with happiness He is there to…God allows us to grieve the way we need to…so please stay strong in which ever way He leads knowing God only wants to love us more in the hard times

    Liked by 1 person

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