You Must Accept It

It seems like a speck on a huge picture of my life. I never thought I’d be able to go through with it. Then the time came to try IVF and we did it. During the process, there were so many things happening. Between shots and doctor visits, it was all we thought about. Our life revolved around it. Now looking back at that time, it feels like the tiniest portion of time. It seems that so many things are that way. During the event, it feels like it’s never-ending and then looking back, it’s hard to remember all the details.

Our anniversary trip felt the same way. During the trip, it went by so slowly and was so enjoyable. Now it feels like it was just a tiny moment in time and was over before it began.

It seems that life is that way.  There’s all kinds of feelings and emotions leading up to events. We work hard and plan for the events and just when you reach the event, it’s over and you’re coming down from the adventure.

My therapist always tells me it’s good to have something on the calendar to look forward to. That helps me so much. I get extra depressed after vacations are over. It seems like such a let down. All the excitement is over so quickly. So having something else to plan and look forward to is really helpful for me.

I find that I have to be selective about where I go and who I go with. I am also conscious about who I might run into. I’ve found that with our decision to be childfree, there is some resistance. When people ask if I have kids or if we plan to, I let them know what we’ve done and that we’ve chosen to be childfree for now. Many people respond with the following:

Oh, you’re still young.

You’ll change your mind.

You may regret giving up.

It can be hard for me to accept our decisions with my own worry. I have to work on accepting some things I cannot change. But then to have other people question OUR choice is not only hurtful, it’s rude. I think people tend to think they need to tell us things that maybe we didn’t think of. Like being childfree, we won’t lead an as fulfilling life as someone with children. Of course our lives won’t be fulfilled in the same way as someone with children just as they won’t be fulfilled in the same way our lives are without children. I’ve found that when you do things differently, like decide not to have kids, you go against the majority and because you are doing things different from them, you are automatically incorrect and they need to tell you why.

Making a choice today doesn’t always mean it’s final. People are allowed to change their mind. If we decide in a year to pursue a different path, we can. We are allowed to do that and we are allowed to feel however we want.

Someone questioned me early on in my fertility journey. She wanted to know why I was so upset about not getting pregnant because when we started trying, I didn’t know if motherhood was for me.

Simple. I changed my mind. 

That would be like someone questioning if motherhood is for them and they become pregnant and I said, “Why do you love your baby? You didn’t really want one.”

Everyone is allowed to change their mind. Everyone is allowed to feel however they want to.

There are many choices that people make in life that you are allowed to question. When someone is making decisions that could harm themselves or someone else, you don’t have to agree with it but you may have to accept it. You can question it. But at the end of the day, it’s their choice. Sometimes accepting their choice is voicing your opinion and leaving it at that.

People don’t understand the concept that we didn’t “give up”. Yes, there are many paths we could have chosen to parenthood but there was also the childfree path. We changed directions. We didn’t give up. We made a choice that although it still has pain, was the healthiest choice for us. I couldn’t continue to go down paths that lead to disappoint, depression, and hopelessness. Unfortunately, this path still has sadness along the way but not to the degree as the path before. People continue to say things to me that hurt but I can only control which direction I take. If only I had the ability to forget what some have said to me but unfortunately their words will haunt me forever.

I wish that those that say these things could feel my pain and heartache for just a moment, then maybe they’d understand.


You can do this, you can do this
You are not a lunatic

Lunatic – Andy Grammer




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