My Biggest Fear

I’ve read so many articles that talk about the key to a long, healthy, and happy life is relationships. We all need deep and meaningful relationships to thrive and combat against loneliness. Many articles even said that being lonely can make you die faster than those who are less lonely. No one wants to feel alone.

I talk a lot with my therapist about getting old and being alone. The idea in my head is that I’m in a nursing home. Joe has passed away and I’m all alone. My family and friends live far away or have passed away. I have no children to come visit me. I’m all alone.

My therapist reminds me every time I bring it up that just because someone has children doesn’t mean that they have a built in visitor or support system. People are selfish and sometimes think of themselves or feel they are too busy to visit a loved one. Sometimes the relationship has been strained over the years and the child no longer wishes to visit the parent. So just because someone has children doesn’t automatically mean that they won’t be lonely in their old age.

But it still doesn’t make it any less of a fear that I will die alone and lonely. I worry I’ll have no one to advocate for me. I’ll have no one to check in on me and make sure the staff are treating me well. I’ll have no one to pick up my belongings when I pass. I’ll have no one to pass my memories onto.

I try to remind myself that I have lots of little ones in my life that I hope to have beautiful relationships with as they get older. I hope that I can be someone in their life that they know loves them no matter what and we can have a bond that no one can break. These will be the people who will love me when I’m old. They will advocate for me. They will pick up my belongings when I pass. They will remember me when I’m gone.

The grief that comes with infertility and loss is life long. It changes and reshapes itself but it will be with me forever. As each stage of life comes, so will new challenges and fears. We all experience this with everything in our lives. Whether it’s a person we’ve lost, a dream that has disappeared, or a stage of life that we miss with our children. We all grieve. But I’ve found that infertility is a difficult one for people to support. When someone dies, there is a process for that. When your child goes to kindergarten or college and it’s hard for you, you have other parents that understand how hard it is and they support you. Infertility is hard for people to understand much less support.

I’m scared of getting old and dying alone. Today, my soul is a little tattered and tired. But once again, people are what brightened it. I like to think that people will always brighten my day, no matter my age.

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2 thoughts on “My Biggest Fear

  1. Your second to last paragraph is SO TRUE!! In all honesty I don’t have any wise or helpful words of advice to offer on this. I will say that, as we’ve been left alone in so many senses of the word in our thirties and forties (and some in their twenties) through our infertility crisis, perhaps we will be able to handle well whatever level of aloneness our old age may (or may not!) bring.

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