Growing is an amazing thing. Being able to grow a human is miraculous. Being able to grow emotionally is beautiful. Being able to grow together in a relationship is breathtaking.
Doing all 3 all of these things leaves me speechless.
I’ve grown differently with each person in my life that gets pregnant. Each pregnancy had its ups and downs and was often very difficult for me.
I’ve grown emotionally so much over the past few years. I’ve done a pretty good job of taking care of myself and putting myself first which has made me healthier and happier but I’ve also been more able to support my friends and family that need me.
I’ve grown so much in my relationships. In particular, with my friend Heather. She was one of our biggest cheerleaders during our infertility and IVF journey and continues to be. She is currently pregnant and has been so thoughtful to me throughout the whole process. So much so that she invited me to an ultrasound. I wasn’t sure how I would feel going into it but I couldn’t have asked for a better experience or a better person to experience it with.
Going to an ultrasound has been something that I told myself I would do before I died. Having a baby is something that we tried so hard for and I wanted to hear a heart beat and see a baby inside someone’s womb before my life was over.
Going into the appointment I felt excited and anxious. Excited to be experiencing this for the first time and excited to be able to support my friend who I love so much. Anxious because I didn’t know how it was going to make me feel. I knew it might hurt but I wanted to do it anyway. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m able to push myself to do things that might hurt if the reward is worth it. It can be hard to find the balance but it is amazing when I do. I knew that I was with people who knew me and my story and would support me and any emotions that I felt.
During the ultrasound, I focused mostly on the science and miracle of it all. The fact that my friend has a baby in her belly and that we have technology that allows us to see him is incredible! Now and then my emotions would jump in and my eyes would fill with tears. Tears of joy, gratefulness, and sadness. Joy because I get to experience something I never thought I would through a different avenue. Grateful that someone loves and cares for me so much that she invited me to such a personal appointment. Sadness because it wasn’t my baby in my belly. I felt all of those things all at once but the joy and gratefulness outweighed the sadness. Going into it, I didn’t think that was possible but it was.
This experience has shown me how far I’ve come. I crawled and dug my way out of a deep, dark pit that I was in where if anyone even said the word baby, it would send me into a week long pit of despair. But at this appointment, I stood in a doctor’s office while one of my very best friends had an ultrasound of her baby boy. I need to say it again but louder. I STOOD IN A DOCTOR’S OFFICE WHILE ONE MY VERY BEST FRIENDS HAD AN ULTRASOUND OF HER BABY BOY. I never thought I’d be here. I never thought I’d be writing about this. I am SO proud of myself. My heart is bursting with joy because of this new life God created not only in my friend’s son but in me. He has given me new life after infertility. I am able to see and feel things I never would have if it weren’t for infertility and I’m so grateful for every single moment.
If you’re going through something hard, the last thing you want to hear is “everything happens for a reason” or “this will make you stronger” or some bullshit like that. You want to feel whatever you’re feeling at that moment and you need people who will sit with you in the dark until YOU’RE ready to crawl into the light. The best thing I’ve learned is to lean into however you’re feeling. If you’re sad, feel the sadness. If you’re angry, feel the anger. If you’re joyful, feel the joy. We need all the emotions to appreciate the others.
The world is filled with pain. It seems that so many people I know and love are going through some really hard and sad stuff right now. Please know it won’t always be this way. But while you’re there, find people who will sit with you in the dark until you’re ready to crawl out. I’m here and I will sit with you in the dark.
Those of us that aren’t in the midst of a dark and scary time, can we do more for those that need us? Send a text. Hug them extra long. Cook them a meal. Babysit for them. Help them financially. Surprise them with a thoughtful gift. Sit with them while they cry. Simply be there. The world needs more love and people you love need you.