Looking back, it was only for a moment. Three weeks. In some scenarios, that’s a long time but for a pregnancy, it’s far too short.
I remember being so sad because if those little babies had held on a few more days, I could have heard their heart beats. A little more time beyond that, I could have felt them move around and even kick me. I always wondered if getting to a milestone would have made the sad situation a little sweeter. They died but I heard their heart beat. They died but I felt them kick. They died but I got to deliver them and hold them still.
I carried them for three weeks but they died.
It’s terribly sad when someone has to deliver their dead baby. But sometimes, I wish I would have gotten that far. It’s morbid I know but it’s the truth. I would have seen their faces. I would have held them. Sometimes it sounds better than simply wondering those things. In any scenario, they die. I don’t get to know any of those things and it’s hard.
Most days, I find joy and gratefulness in my life today. Other days, of course, are difficult. Pregnancy announcements will always sting. Eventually, they will lessen as people I know grow older. Then their children will have children and my friends will become grandparents. Infertility and loss will be something that affects my life forever. It’s a never ending sadness I will navigate forever and that can be a very daunting feeling. I’ve learned to lean into the hard and difficult feelings. That helps. Talking and writing helps. But the future is something that scares me. I don’t know what my life will look like when I’m elderly and I have no children or grandchildren. I always imagined I would have those things and now I’m forced to imagine life without that. In my head, it’s a pretty sad picture but I know that I could be wrong and it can be beautiful. I will do my best to be sure it is.
Life is hard. For everyone. If you haven’t experienced something traumatic that changed you and made you question yourself, you will. When those moments come, it can be so hard to pull yourself back up but you can. Ask those you love and trust to help you. We all need support, help, and love now and then. Life is beautiful and tragic and beauty can come from tragedy if you allow it. Be vulnerable. That’s where connection starts to grow and connection is where we must live.
I share because I know there are others who feel this way. When hard stuff happens, we often isolate ourselves and convince ourselves that no one else understands and that is simply not true. I have women who contact me and share their story with me and although our stories aren’t the same, there are many feelings that are. Sharing those feelings with each other makes us feel less alone and empowered by our sadness instead of shameful and alone.
Your trauma, hurt, and pain can be turned into joy and encouragement for yourself and someone else if you simply say it aloud.