Replace Them

“You should do another round. Try again. Get a surrogate. Or you could adopt! There are lots of babies who need a home and love”.

What about MY babies? The 4 that were in my body for a short time. I don’t understand why people think a new baby will replace the ones I lost. I wanted and still would love to be a mom to some human babies. But I really wish I had those babies. I’m allowed to miss them and grieve them forever. The addition of a baby to our family will never replace the ones we lost. When people offer suggestions, I don’t think they mean to disrespect my babies. They think having a child in some capacity will make me happy. It may but it will never fill the void that those babies left. I always will wonder who they would be, what they would look like, and how they would have changed our lives.

Two years ago I had my egg retrieval. I cannot believe it’s been that long. It also reminds me that we have six embryos left and a timeline approaching. If we choose to keep the embryos for another year, we pay a $500 storage fee. We have to decide by the end of the year if we’d like to keep them frozen or not. I’ve had the destruction paperwork for a year. We have to fill it out and get it notarized. I’m ready. I feel ready to let these babies go. I’ve looked at having them placed in a piece of jewelry. I think it would be a beautiful way to remember them. It’s something I really want to do but I honestly don’t have any motivation to do it. I feel like I want to let go and forget even though I know I will never forget. I don’t want to regret not doing it but I’ve had the opportunity to get it set up for a year and haven’t. I think there’s too much finality with it and I’ve avoided it. At the same time, I feel ready to let go.

I’m happy. I still have days, sometimes many days in a row that life is so hard and unbearable for me. But I have people who are there for me still. Having a baby isn’t going to bring back everything I’ve lost up to this point. Infertility has stolen a lot away from me. I choose to embrace each day as it comes and I allow myself to feel however I need to. My friends continue to get pregnant and have babies. All I can hope for is that they let me come along for the ride with them and that they are gentle and understanding with me when I need them to be.

The friends I’ve lost from infertility cannot be replaced.
The babies I’ve lost due to infertility cannot be replaced.
The joy I choose to find each day cannot be stolen from me.

I’ve heard it said before that infertility is a life long grief. When we lose a person or a dream doesn’t come true, we are allowed to grieve that for the rest of our lives. Will I be in a wallowing pit everyday? No. Will I still be there sometimes? Yes. But I will learn to live around my grief and when times are hard, I’ll live in it. As each birthday, holiday, big life change, small life change, and simply the day-to-day pass by, I will wonder who my babies would have been. I will wonder what kind of mother I would have been to them. I’ll wonder what kind of father Joe would have been. I know he would have been the biggest softie to our babies; a gentle giant. He would protect them and love them unconditionally like he does me. He would be a safe place for them like he is for me. He would protect them like he does me. He would be a wonderful daddy to them like he is an amazing husband to me.

Nothing can fix or take away the want to have our babies back. I am learning how to navigate this loss and how to grieve the life I thought I’d have.