3 Year Old Embryos

I haven’t been writing much lately. Whether it be to share or journaling for myself. Writing has always been a really healthy outlet for me. It’s provided a way for me to get out how I’m feeling. It’s allowed me to connect with others going through similar events. It’s helped my connect with those going through things completely opposite of me but have many parallel feelings.

Today holds a heaviness that I can’t get past so I had to write. 3 years ago today we had our first IVF transfer. Those that were apart of my world back then: you probably read those blogs and felt that excitement with us. It was such an exciting day and I remember the anticipation. It was like being a kid on Christmas. I was so excited to leave the clinic pregnant. The one and only time this would ever happen. For 3 short weeks I was pregnant.

So much has changed in the past 3 years. I look back at memories from this day and see all of the support we had. There was so much excitement from so many of you. Today looks different than it did back then. It should. Things should always be changing. Our lives are on a much different trajectory now. Different goals and ideas than 3 years ago. Different house. Different work positions. Lots of loss. Plenty of joy. I find myself today still grateful for the opportunity we had to do 2 rounds of IVF. It seems like it was so long ago now. It feels like a dream and like it didn’t really happen. Life has continued to move forward. We continue to build our lives around being child free. I continue to see people in my life have children. I continue to feel hurt, envious, and sad but also grateful, happy, and blessed. It’s so confusing and difficult to feel all of those emotions at once. It’s still hard to not feel left behind. Being childless in a world that screams you have to have children, it’s hard. I feel pressure that I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t pray enough. I gave up too quickly. I’m still young. It will still happen for us.

People still don’t like to accept we cannot have children. I had someone recently tell me that it would happen. I told her it most likely wouldn’t because I’m on birth control. She assumed that we were still trying. For us, there had to be a period. An end. It came to a point that I needed to prevent it so I could stop obsessing over it. People tend to assume that as long as you don’t have any children and you are of child bearing age, that it needs to be a possibility. At what age is it acceptable to stop? 45? 50? 60? The correct answer is any age. But many people make me feel like I need to try until it happens. Sorry but that isn’t how it goes. For many infertiles, they do not stop until they have a baby. Whether that’s from treatment or from adoption. For some, it ends prior to that. Every single road taken is difficult. It’s painful and unfair. The road we took tends to be less traveled it seems. I don’t know many who stopped treatment before a baby came. But it was what was right for us.

Today, I wonder what life would look like if my babies were here. I’m sure I would feel lots of the same emotions I’m feeling today for different reasons. I wonder if some of the people I’ve lost would still be here. I’ll always wonder. I’ll always work hard to appreciate today and be grateful for the pain that brought me to where I am today. Without the pain of these experiences, I would not have the empathy I do today. There are many I could not have supported as well without the past. To be able to sit with others in the dark is truly a gift I’m grateful for.